Steel Panther's Satchel and Stix Zadinia

By Jay Oakley

I'm sitting here with Satchel and Stix from Steel Panther, how are you doing, guys?

Satchel: I'm good. I'm Satchel and I'm really good.

Stix Zadinia: I'm Stix and I'm super duper awesome.

How are you looking forward to the show tonight?

Satchel: This is Satchel and I'd like to say I'm totally looking forward to it because it's going to be bad ass and I'm going to play awesome and I'm probably going to do the best shit that I've ever done.

Stix: This is Stix and I'm looking forward to doing the show because Satchel's going to be doing the best stuff he's ever done and I get to watch it and it's going to be cool.

As the old saying goes, "The drummer has the best seat in the house. Between the bass and the guitar."

Stix: Yup

Satchel: I do a lot of work on my glutes. A lot of squats and I do the StairMaster like 4 days a week.

Stix: I do the Ass-Master.

Satchel: It is the best ass and seat. But I have to shave it every week otherwise it gets a little hairy.

Stix: He has a hairy butt.

Satchel: H.A.S., Hairy Ass Syndrome

You guys just came out with your new record earlier this year, All You Can Eat. How's the reception been for it so far?

Satchel: Well I haven't listened to it on the radio so the receptions weak.

Stix: I have Sirius

Satchel: I have antennas, oh you have Sirius so how's the reception?

Stix: Clear as a bell. People have been responding to the record quite well. I think we freaked everybody's dicks out with this record.

Satchel: My neighbors have responded every time I've turned the record up. They've called the police. I don't know if it's because they're jealous? I always assume it's because their jealous of how bitchin' the record is. They say, "Shut that off so I don't have to be reminded that I can't write a record that good!"

Stix: I'd be jealous if I was your neighbor.

They're just throwing things at your door saying, "Stop rubbing it in!".

Stix: Yes.

Satchel: My neighbors hate me because I'm white. They're white too but I don't understand why their racist.

Stix: It's like reverse Osmosis racism.

Satchel: I'm assuming it's because I'm white because there is no other reason to hate me.

Stix: Other then the reason you have a killer hairy ass.

They're just pissed about you walking by the window all the time with it out.

Satchel: Hey if they don't want to see five and a half inches of love they shouldn't look through my window.

How was the recording process for you guys?

Satchel: We used tape players with actual real tape.

Stix: Reel to real tape. Reel R.E.E.L. to real R.E.A.L tape. Think about that. The recording process is one of my favorite parts. That's part of being in and rock and roll band. You get to go into the studio, you get to party, you get to have strippers in there, and you get to make killer fucking songs with your friends. What else is there?

Satchel: You know that the recording is going well if the producer is sitting behind the engineering desk and he's just high as a kite. That's what heavy metal is about. Like if you were yawning and you were doing new age music you'd know that you were doing a good recording if the producer was asleep.

Stix: If everyone in the room was asleep, right down to the tech.

If everyone's just out sleeping that's just a win.

Stix: You wanna know something, for real? I haven't said this in interviews and Satchel can attest. I...

Satchel: Have Hairy Ass Syndrome as well. 

Stix: No I don't have Hairy Ass Syndrome it's actual quite bare in that department. But I've been known to fall asleep in a matter of about ten seconds in the studio. Like Lexxi will be recording a bass part and we'll be talking about the bass part, "Yeah that's pretty coo...snore" and I'll just fall asleep. I'm not kidding. It's like narcolepsy.

Satchel: It is a little bit like narcolepsy.

Stix: Isn't it weird.

Satchel: It is weird. Have you ever seen the sheep that do that? Go on YouTube, they're like walking around and they just fall over. It is so adorable. I bought some sheep just for that. I dressed them like Stix and gave them little drum sets and they just fall asleep in the back yard.

When it comes to the writing process is it pretty much a group effort? 

Satchel: I do a lot of the bulk and come up with ideas and write melodies, chords and shit like that. I'll demo songs out then I'll bring them to the band and we take the songs that we dig and record. Everyone in the band can write whatever they want, I just tend to write a lot because I like to write. Sometimes I won't even demo it up. I'll just show Stix and we'll work on it. That's when shit just gets "Pantherized." Stix brings his own shit to everything and we'll work on arrangements together as a band before we record. It's definitely a band effort when we do that because that's how we end up sounding like ourselves. I've got like two drum fills that I like to use and he has like six.

Stix: Ya know what's cool? I'll tell you what's really fucking bitchin' is Satchel does write a lot. A lot more then I think a lot of people do and when he brings demos to us it's exciting to hear because most of the time I hear it I'm like it's so fucking rad. To hear an original idea from your buddy who you're in a band with and all of us putting our input in it becomes a Steel Panther song. It's bitchin'. It's fucking great to be in that band.

How has it been traveling and playing with Judas Priest every night?

Satchel: It's been really, really fun.I mean Judas Priest is fucking awesome. The girls, there's a lot of groupies here, and it's killer because they've all pretty much been through menopause. They're all in their late 50s early 60s so you don't wear a condom with these girls.

Stix: You can get right up in there and there's no babies.You can just leave a deposit.

Satchel: When you're in the middle of making love, and I say making love because it's not all just sex for it's something deeper and you have to wake the girl up because they're a little narcoleptic too. It's been a good tour so far.

Stix: And we carry smelling salts on our bus so if the girl does pass out we can wake her right back up.

With all the success you've had with touring, for a long time, you were regulars at the House of Blues in LA and Las Vegas. Do still make those stops or has it become less frequent?

Stix: It's become less because we are gone so much. We're out conquering the world so it's hard to do that.

Satchel: But we do make occasional stops in Vegas and LA to fuck some of the bitches we used to fuck.

Stix: You have to keep your ground fertilized. "Deliver the goods," in the words of the infamous Rob Halford.

Talk a little about your influences.

Stix: Tico Torres. Nobody gives Tico any credit because it's all about Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora. I think it's time that Tico got some props. He's bitchin'.

Satchel: Can I say Tico Torres?

Yeah we can roll with that. The question barely got out before Stix said that's who made Stix, Stix.

Stix: Dude, if I could have a picture of Tico Torres here on my shirt instead of myself I would.

Satchel: If I could tattoo Tico on my ass I would but obviously my ass is to hairy.

For anyone new who's newer to your band they might not know that your band had a couple other names. Why the changes? Different chapters in your history or anything like that?

Satchel: One of the times we changed our name because of one girl that I didn't want to fuck anymore and she kept coming to our shows.

Stix: So we had to change our name so she wouldn't know when we were playing. So what's the best way to make that happen? Change our name. And it worked...for two gigs.

How did your Behind The Music short come about? Was it just to show everyone how awesome Steel Panther was?

Satchel: They're all people we've known from the 80s and they agreed to be in it for a lot of money.

Stix: Dave Navarro charged a lot. I couldn't believe it.

Satchel: Dave's all about the money. He's a money-grubbing whore. If he's just looking good, he's making money. That's the thing I hate about that guy.

Yeah but he lucked out because of you. Because you guys wouldn't play a gig, he did and got signed over it. He owes you. 

Stix: Oh we know. Yeah, what's up Dave Navarro? You won't return my calls.

Satchel: Where's our cut? Where's our ten percent?

What's your biggest motivation for everything you do?

Satchel: Sex

Stix: Vagina. It's the biggest motivation for anyone to do anything. If you really break it down, what else is there? You make money so you can meet a chick.

Satchel: You write songs so you can meet a chick. You travel on a tour bus so you can go make music so you can meet girls and fuck them.

Stix: At the core of it, it's about pussy.

And finally what do you want your legacy to be?

Satchel: Wow, that's a heavy question. I have to think about this for a second.

Stix: I want to be known as this drummer who was part of a band that brought heavy metal back and conquered everybody. And I want to be known as the first drummer to be able to mentally overcome chlamydia, just with my mind.

Satchel: I want to be known as the guitar player who had a premonition that the super volcano underneath the United States was about to erupt and I let the authorities know. They evacuated all of the entire Mid-western United States and I saved the lives of millions.

Stix: That's hot.

Satchel: And I protected the earth from an alien invasion.

Stix: Wait, you can't do both.

Satchel: Why not? You're not the boss of me.

Stix: Because I'm the legacy boss. Is that really what you want your legacy to be? Two of those things? You're kind of legacy-hogging right now.

Satchel: You gotta shoot for the stars babe.

Thanks so much guys. I appreciate you taking the time and have a great show.

Stix: Thank you.

Satchel: Thanks and I love you.